Last night, a chance conversation at a local brewery crystallized exactly why my work at Pollen matters so much. A woman shared her story with me – one that began when she was just four years old, sitting on her mother’s lap during what would become their final moment together. Her mother suffered a sudden heart attack and died. What followed wasn’t just the loss of her mother, but also the loss of her chance to say goodbye.
With the best intentions, her family excluded her from the visitation and funeral, believing they were protecting her from additional trauma. Over six decades later, she still carries the weight of that decision – not with gratitude for being “protected,” but with anger at being denied the opportunity to see her mother one final time and participate in the rituals of farewell.
This story illustrates a crucial truth I champion at Pollen: children need and deserve to be included in death rituals. While the instinct to shield children from death is natural, excluding them from funerals often does more harm than good. Here’s why:
- Children need closure just as adults do. The funeral process provides a structured way to say goodbye and begin processing the loss. Without this opportunity, children may struggle to fully grasp the reality of death or feel unresolved grief for years to come.
- Participation helps children understand death as a natural part of life. When we include children in funerals, we teach them that death, while sad, is something we can face together as a family and community.
- Exclusion can lead to feelings of isolation and abandonment during an already difficult time. Children who aren’t allowed to participate may feel left out of important family moments and struggle to process their grief alongside their loved ones.
At Pollen, I understand that every family must make their own choices about how to handle death and grief. However, we encourage families to consider including children in age-appropriate ways in the funeral process. This might mean:
– Allowing them to view the body if they express interest
– Including them in memorial services
– Giving them active roles in ceremonies when appropriate
– Having open, honest conversations about death and grief
The woman I met never got her chance to say goodbye. Her story reminds us that in trying to protect children from death, we might actually be protecting them from healing.
